Friday, August 23, 2019

10 Mostly Bad Movies From The 80s- 69 Days to Halloween


Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1983)
Dir- Tommy Lee Wallace
It appears that a toymaker (Dan O Herlihy) has gone wrong and made a load of killer Halloween masks. When it seems like someone is getting closer to learning his secret, a group of assassins appears to kill them outright. There is also a backstory about a missing part of Stonehenge, but that element is only briefly mentioned. Why does this movie get so much hate, first, the film does not have Jamie Lee Curtis. Second, No Donald Pleasance and third no Michael Myers. Hell, it isn't even set in Illinois. In recent years it has found a new audience and appreciation given that the story was pretty good, but it was cursed by having tied to the Halloween franchise. 



Humongous (1982) 
Dir- Paul Lynch
This one starts with a flashback of a brutal rape and subsequent death of the rapist at the hands of the victim's dogs. The assault resulted in the birth of a crazed killer mutant man-beast (Big Surprise!). Years later a group of generic teens goes boating and end up on the island where the flashback sequence occurred. They discover the house and the remains of dog bones. Once there they are taken out one at a time by the dark beast-man. Nothing more than a cheap copy of Friday The 13th with every dumb cliché, no suspense or any creative effort. With most of the action occurring in the dark, the creature is never even seen in any detail.



Pieces (1982) 
Dir- Juan Piquer Simon
One of those horror films that teetered on an X rating. Your standard mad slasher film begins with a little boy putting together a puzzle of naked women circa 1945, only to be caught by his mother. He then dispatches his mother in an ugly way. Years later, we are on a college campus, and we see many brutal deaths and mutilations, all young women with big breasts and shapely figures. All in an attempt to piece the perfect lady, a la Bride of Frankenstein. The standard who done it with a lot of gore and some graphic violence. The conclusion is most tacky as they try to make it into a double twist style ending that is most unconvincing. A Spanish production which is at times unintentionally funny while being brutal in its violence, we also see a few significant goofs like a touch-tone phone in 1945.



The Prey (1984) 
Dir- Edwin Brown
Another Friday the 13th clone which has a group of teenagers being stalked and killed by a huge disfigured forest man. Besides the usual clichés and predictable plot, we have a film which would pass as a decent nature documentary due to its magnificent nature shots and plenty of bugs crawling all over the place. I might also add the creature was played by Carel Struycken, who would appear in Addams Family as Lurch and Star Trek TNG as Mr. Homm. A film which I best remember for its rather icky shock ending and complete rendition of Edgar Allen Poe's The Monkeys Paw.



Street Trash (1987) 
Dir- James M Muro
One of my favorite splatter movies and one of the grossest films to come from the eighties. We get a terrible neighborhood, scary pimps, crazed drug thugs, ugly prostitutes, and some crazy drunks who get a real treat when the local store sells a newly found box of cheap wine for a buck. The stuff is so hot that it eats you up. Not much plot except for some cruel deaths, some necrophilia, a few violent shoot-outs and an amusing keep away game involving bum's severed penis. Another memorable scene has a victim melting into a toilet and flushing himself literally down the can. One of the best sick films and a real treat to all bad movie gore fans.




Student Bodies (1981) 
Dir- Mickey Rose
First, there was Halloween, then Friday The 13th, what next Jamie Lee Curtis's birthday? Seriously, this horror parody is about as memorable as the last Troma film, but for some odd reason, I am drawn to it. It stars pretty much no one worth noting, and I guess those who were in it leave it off their resume. A psycho breather preys on those typical stupid teens and uses every piece of office supply as his deadly weapon. Everything points to the shy virgin Toby, who is allergic to sex. It is up to the virgin Toby and her friend Hardy to prove her innocence. This movie is SILLY. It incorporates every cliché imaginable including nude bathroom scene, stupid trick ending, and a weird janitor named "Malvert." For a bad movie, it is somewhat addictive, and I must admit this is one of my favorites.



Trick or Treat (1986) 
Dir- Charles Martin Smith
A good idea that does not quite make it. Marc Price (Skippy on Family Ties) plays a loner teen who idolizes a heavy metal rocker who dies before the release of his next album. It seems that the local DJ (Gene Simmons of Kiss) has the last record and when played backward summons the evil spirit of the rocker. The slasher deaths follow as the loner teens find his enemies being taken out one at a time. The only highlights being the numerous cameos by notable rockers including Ozzy Osborne as a preacher condemning rock music. Way too much MTV influence followed by direct rip-offs of other more modern horror flicks.



Vamp (1986)
Dir- Richard Wenk
A trio of college frat brothers needs a stripper for a stag party, and they turn to an exotic dancer named Katrina played by Grace Jones. Katrina appears in a unique black and white motif and drives the guys wild yet little do they realize that Katrina and her friends are vampires. This little known vampire film lacks the big-budget feel of Dracula but does offer a cool story, great dance sequences, and your usual blood-sucking gore.



Watchers (1988) 
Dir- Jon Hess
I once stated that many a novel could not translate well on film, and this is very much the proof needed. What is viewed as an excellent book by Dean R Koontz is a grotesquely bad film which seems to be more of a vehicle for that annoying twerp Cory Haim then a decent horror film? The government creates the ultimate weapon in the form of a smart dog and icky monster. Well, the dog escapes, and the beast gives chase. This film was gutted so much one wonders why they spent money to adapt the book. Michael Ironside appears as a psycho bounty hunter and is the only thing likable about this film.



Witchboard (1987)
Dir- Kevin Tenney
Ever wanted to play with one of those Quija boards, well a group of friend's huddle together and find the game is more than what they expected when they suddenly find themselves dying one at a time. Tawny Kitaen stars as a teen that gets possessed by a spirit of an evil ghost when she uses the board alone. A medium which is called in discovers the spirit is an evil magician who was killed by police years ago. A few typical deaths and murder by sundial made this film a surprise hit when it was released. Not too bad and with Kitaen, you have a generic teen who is worth watching.

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